Lost
by gilmoreluv
Summary: Olivia has lost so many things. Finally she ended up losing herself. Post-Ep for Rescue... I know I know there are like 200 of these but one more won't hurt and if it does i'm sorry


**_** Ok so this story is told in Olivia's POV. Its my first SVU fic so some pointers can be helpful. I hope you like it or maybe you hate it either way you read it. Thanks. Enjoy._**

**_Oh umm it all belongs to some guy named Dick._**

I quit my job today.

It was easier than I thought ; 5 years ago if you would've asked me if I would ever quit my job I would tell you that you were crazy or probably just punch you in the face for saying something so stupid.

The difference between 5 years ago and now is that 5 years ago I felt. 5 years ago hell 1 month ago I had feelings.

Sure some days having feelings was a nightmare because of the job I had. I saw things that the strongest toughest guy in the world could not handle.

I lived in a world of grey where some things were light enough that you could almost see some color in them and some things were so dark you couldn't tell what they were.

However today when I quit my job I felt nothing. No remorse no regret no sadness no pain. Nothing.

This started when a little boy was left to my care. I had always loved kids and I say loved because I don't think I ever got the chance to actually discover what love was.

Anyways I always wanted a baby, someone that would love me, someone that would need me, someone I needed. I never got the chance, or maybe I never gave myself the chance to have a baby.

Many people told me "what are you waiting for?" and the truth was that I didn't know.

Hell I still don't know.

So about a month ago Calvin Arliss was left to my care. He looked so lost so confused; I kind of knew what he was thinking because I had always wondered the same thing when I was young.

I told him it was ok when I didn't know if it was going to be ok and he either knew something I didn't or was willing to admit that no it wasn't going to be ok.

Man that little boy was right on so many levels.

I knew his innocent mind was filled with questions like "why did she leave me?" what did I do?" " Does she love me at all?".  
I had asked myself those questions so many times. So he went to live with me and I tried to make things as ok as I could for him.

I guess I was doing a good job because he signed his picture Calvin Benson and when I saw that I know for sure that the feeling I felt then at that moment was the best feeling ever.  
Little did I know that same night my feelings and emotions were going to be ripped from me and my soul just like he was ripped from my arms and my heart.

A social worker just came in with his mom and took him away just because she thought I was ruining her life. You would think that by now I would be use to people breaking my heart or the loneliness and unhappiness that had been a part of my life since I was born. But no I wasn't. What happened that night made me wonder so many things.

So many decisions I had taken in my life, so many paths I had not taken. That is why i quit my job. I used to think that I was put on this earth to be an SVU detective. That by helping the victims I was helping myself in a way.

That I wasn't really earning justice for my mother I was earning justice for myself. Boy was I wrong.

See when you don't have emotions you start to become selfish. I no longer did my job for the justice of the victims or to help them sleep at night. I started thinking why should I let them sleep when I cant sleep because I can't get their case out of my head.

I put my life in danger for them and I got nothing for it ; in fact I got more pain. I was almost raped because I tried to help a girl.

I never found love or had kids because my job wouldn't allow it. I was in love with my partner and now I quit and he doesn't even know that I love him or that I quit. 12 years of my life wasted helping people.

Why was I helping all those people when no one was helping me.

Because now that I see my body lying there in the bathroom floor surrounded by blood and pills I realized that I needed help.

I wonder if everyone who knew me will realize that too when they find my body. I went from Bad ass Benson to a lost soul. Actually come to think of it I have always been a lost soul.

I know many people won't forgive me for what I did to myself but like I said you become selfish when you lose your emotions. And to think it all started with a little boy. Or maybe it started the day I was born and ended with a little boy.

Either way when I was alive I felt nothing inside and now my body matches because dead bodies can't feel. I leave my body and the bathroom and look at the notes I wrote for Fin, Munch, Cragen and Elliot lying on the table.

I tried to explain why I did what I did but I think deep inside they will understand.

Because they still feel, they still live.

**_** dark i know but i always wondered why Olivia sacrificed so much and got nothing out of it. Anyways please Review._**

**_Thanks for reading. **_**


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